I am a widow who was married to a wonderful guy for 37 years. And I will add that, in my experience, when men have found the one and they know it, anything that stands between them and the one becomes a detail to be taken care of. That space needs to be clear of lost loves. If I do X, what is the likely outcome ten minutes later. I dont necessarily need to be married. I have been a widow a little longer and I do not use the terms ours or we like he does. These things, I believe, must be done on the widowers timeline when they are ready. Method 1 Understanding Your Partner's Needs Download Article 1 Acknowledge the deceased spouse's place in your partner's life. No damned flu, just an all round b*tch. "If you do encounter a difficult time from his friends and family, have patience hopefully they will come around," Annie says. You do what you need to for you. Hah! I love him and he loves me. Now, after all these years, I understand what it is to experience the love and generous affection from another person. He is good to me, but i had to dealmwith the pics, voicemail..which he took down, i compromised and said keep a few up, or put em in your office. So maybe $20,000? You deserve better and you will find it. My fiances remedy to this was to tell this damn girl she was renting to own by taking over this mortgage. Even though relationships do sometimes grow from just sex, the odds say it is just as likely that a long-term serious relationship wont happen either. You understand this Im sure. Yes its quick but we found this house and it felt so right it felt it was meant to be. Yes, chemistry occurs and sex can happen. But things are not changing. Youll never get your hearts desire waiting around for fate to line the stars up in heaven. Learn! Life and commitments to others dont stop because you are feeling overwhelmed. All fairly normal. While its not incredibly encouraging that he didnt reply when you stated how you felt, it doesnt mean that the relationship is at an end. You have no commitment from him. Must be a twit that is allowing some adult child to rule her, so sees no better. So the counselor said sit down a formulate a plan when these things come up write down what you want to say and set your boundaries, or stop lying to dave its one or the other is what the counselor said. I think it is possible to respect the past and those in it and still have an open heart to love a new person and their future. And while I know he still isnt over her loss I believed him over and over when he said he loved me and chose me and felt that God and his deceased wife had brought us together. This GOW is grateful for having a place to turn to. But, in my opinion, they should be posts rather than avatars or headers. He needs his space & I respect that but its still very hard. There are a few pictures of her throughout the house and I am not bothered by this at all. You might be that reason and you might not be. You have only done what most people do = moved on, loved again and tried to rebuild. My widower had a long marriage which ended in his wifes death from cancer 15 years ago.We have been very happy together, got engaged after knowing each other a year. I expect you love me like there is no tomorrow Can you count on him to be there for you if you really needed him? You will be okay and eventually, everything will be okay. "Widowers have fewer opportunities to tell their story than widows, because they typically have fewer close friends than women have and divulge much less, explains Colby, of Fort Collins, Colorado. I had plenty of LH free life and reference points, so my husband was spared in a way I wasnt. And it was hard to not be upset myself but I knew it had nothing to do with me. Also, notice if conversations routinely revert to memories that start with We used to ". For Phyllis Raphael, 86, a chance meeting on the street turned into a get-together. The fact that she will always live on through him makes me love him MORE. As long as you are upfront, honest and yourself, you will be okay. If you were both fine with a relationship sans license, this wouldnt be an issue. There seems to be a lot of hurt feelings. What do you want? Someone in good health could expect another 30 years perhaps, but you are correct that you will not be getting the prime years. my bf of a year and a half never talks or even say his dead girlfriends name ever! Long distance relationships are difficult because of the demands on both people to make extra time to communicate and not everyone is cut out for this. What a valuable resource Ive stumbled onto, absolutely nothing to make light of here. You are welcome. I was only back on for a week when I was messaged by my current boyfriend. You are not weird at all to be upset and if you discuss nothing else do be honest with him about this. Its harder to accept that the future you dreamed of is not going to happen and you might have to alter your expectations or give up on some of them. Ahh. If he ends communication with you, I dont know that there is anything you can do, but it would be a shabby move on his part that speaks loudly about his true character. I spend almost every night there dog sitting (which he does pay me for) and being a secure presence for his autistic son at night since W works 3rd shift. We didnt leave it to chance or good timing because if we had, we might still be trying to bring our lives together. If if were me, encourage him to sell the house to the girl. I know he understands how I feel about him, I dont want to put undue pressure on him to express himself and now having researched several resources feel reassured that one day he may in fact break the ice so to speak and tell me how he truly feels about me. . It isnt. It's almost impossible to even comprehend the possibility of new love. Does he know how you feel about the cancelled trip? Hes not taking me for granted, I just dont think he gets that its becoming annoying. before they have a date into there home this is not meant for you God Bless. The important thing is that you can discuss things. And Ive had this discussion a million times in the last eight years and I have heard the arguments you set forth more times than I could possibly count, and just as an aside, Id like to point out that much of what you have to say about divorce and the reasons for it are trite, insulting and cliche. I was very uncomfortable in this house, all along. Your guy had a drinking problem after his wife died, which is to me a sign that he is probably a candidate for more professional help than most grieving folks need. Said he had been in love with me all along and knew he was only giving me doses off himself. Which I dont have a problem with. Should i not go to these events in your opinion? This is his to cope with and not a problem for you to solve. His wife died 2 years ago. I have been in a relationship with a 68 yr old widower for over a year now and he was married over 45 years, his wife dying after a sudden illness. We were very open about our personal issues at that time I also told him a lot about myself and my current problems. To answer you last question first, it is possible to still feel an emotional connection to a deceased spouse (to a deceased anyone you loved really its not just a widowed person thing). His mindset is not of a person who looks forward to a new chapter but rather being comfortable until the final chapter ends. And you run the risk of being a young widow maybe with young children yourself. Getting to know someone and deciding how committed wed like to get. After one date I knew with my late wife. I honestly believe my situation is much more complex than the average one. This is hardly a topic for the holiday but observe the behavior of the grandparents over the season closely. Allow her the time to come to terms with these emotions. My husband has only been gone for 6 months though he was terminally ill for 9 years prior to his death. Now. Is he good enough for you? He might be serious. so what does he mean by that? Thanks for any insight. Thats what dating is about really, right? I believe he loves me but in my mind I hear him saying he loves her more and wishes he could have his old life back.he does not say it often but when he does it really makes me feel like a consolation prize and very sad. Sharing how you feel and how you see things and asking for his honest assessment too. This does leave you stuck in limbo however in terms of your own emotional life/needs. I broke it off with him because I Being in love with the idea of being in love is a slippery slope. In a meantime Very Merry Christmas to everyone. 5 or 6 times because he is so scared of an oops..or so he says..He has spoiled me, spoiled my children, felt as if this relationship was mandated by GodI mean we have never had an issueI was bothered by her pictures still up, ashes on the mantle etc..and he said he would get to it he just wasnt readySuddenly, out of the blue he called me and told me we needed to talk, he had a melt down, said he could not put her behind him as he was so focused on me, he loved me but not as much as he felt he should, and how could he because he still loves and misses her, said he worried about me, and did not know who he was anymore..whether he is Ginas husband or my future husbandI mean he had a meltdownI said are we breaking up, and his reply was yes, no, I dont know I just need time to get my head straight and i cant do that because when I am with you I cant think straight..So after 4 months of talking everyday, texting everyday, seeing each other 3-4 times a week all I have heard from him is an occasional text thanking me for my understanding, and asking for timeI asked him if he just wanted to break up and we move on, he said no, just give him time, he will not respond to my texts and Ifeel as if I was blindsidedI understood that at times he seemed distant and when I wo! Its closed to general searches but you can ask to be invited. His older daughter had just married and, with her husband had been given a plot of land on which to build a house, by her in laws. If i had to do it over again, i should have see these signs earlier. She does not want her dads house with all its inconveniences. I will feel guilty leaving my boyfriend for this widower although I have developed stronger feelings towards the widower and I agreed we could date. Being apart and not knowing. I mean, you tell her what you want, she sorta complies or doesnt at all and then life continues on the same as it ever was. When they came over they children went nuts. You are doing a lot of the harm to the grieving people as well to those who would love to form a relationship with such. He was very nervous at first but we really had a great time together. We date to figure out our feelings and sometimes we find that our feelings change or that in the glow of first attraction we overlooked issues that we cant continue to overlook as a relationship progresses. I am widowed. I feel like a miracle has come into my life, but he is pretty closed off emotionally, doesnt like to talk, has never told me he loves me, or that he plans,a future with me. Very sad. I cant see younger sis being able to afford to take on my fiances house reliably with a mortgage, even if he knocked $50,000 or so off for her . In the worst case, they help weed out people we shouldnt be wasting time with from our precious lives (really, can we afford to waste another moment on draining or even toxic bullshit? It seems like you know what you want deep down but just need to place or community to talk it out in. No, I do not give full passes to behave badly because you lost a loved one whenever you feel like it just because you want to play the widow/widower card.Life is for the living. Its an arbitrary deadline that seems to be for the benefit of family and friends who, frankly, should be of lesser importance than you, your relationship and future plans. Be yourself. I sincerely believed that without the manipulative influence of that self-centered, little bitch we would still be together. At any rate, to answer your question if he wants to dateIm not really sure. Yes, he is a widower and he has shit to deal with, but he started a relationship with you purposefully and that gives you the right to expect certain things. Their actions are more indicative of where they are than their words. But thats just my opinion. Put him right in a corner. I am sorry she died in a nasty way, at the age of 40 or so, but she sounded little a bossy, bitchy, nasty demanding ct, just like her younger daughter. Nan, We know the meaning of the love till death, sacrifice, compassion and lot more than other people dont. Her sulkiness was attributed on those occasions to getting over flu or this or that. Although I have been told by widowed folk that sex just happens because of the loneliness and pain of loss. Now they look back at the few memories and smile and remember the good things. Moving ahead he backed away, felt guilt, never has introduced me to his kids or friends but continues to see me once a month although we usually just hang at my home. More joint presents. Youll know. its one day at a time and one step at a time but we both know our journey is on the same path. So here lies the rub, how can I move forward with this? hi ann, Its up to us, the new loves in their lives to determine if that timeline is moving fast enough and we must make our own decisions if that process seems too slow. Clothes. In the long run, the stuff will be put away. Thank you for your advise. He should understand that this sometimes will ask more of him due to his loss than it would of someone who isnt widowed. Again, I truly DO love and appreciate hearing from you. Its bullshit excuses. All you can do is be you and control your emotions and reactions to avoid being sucked into this girls need for control and drama. Here this guy was sitting by this old lady in the hospital holding her hand when she was dying, and all she could talk about was her dead husband. My worry is he is still thinking about his wife all the time and is not including me in his . It just means that whatever your future together looks like will be different. So, make your holiday plans! He can say yes, no or lets work on this, but now you have just as much input as he does. give them to? Very hard to be open and vulnerable for both of us but it was the clear the air moment we both needed before continuing on. He means the world to me & always will. If you do decide to talk to your guy, remember that he probably has no idea that he is talking about her as much as he is, so approach the conversation carefully. I agree that you are being perfectly reasonable. Instinctually we still keep sharp the ability of our living loves labors our gardening skills, so to speak but yet at what purpose? Grief is unique to us all for that reason. Read 5 SELF-LOVE TIPS TO AGEING WITH CONFIDENCE AND JOY. Even 50/50 would be an improvement. not into you.. there is some other meaning. Its a choice. From time to time he mentions all the places they went together and things they did. My boyfriend & I are parting as dear, dear friends. 18. Im still in a current relationshipthat I am reluctant to leave because its a sure thing. We kiss hug sex all of it jsut exactly like a relationship should be. At 5 months out, he told me that he didnt want to be just friends and wanted us to explore the possibility of a future together. Note that closed chapters are just that . I just dont know what the norm is for a grieving widower. Remember, as a widow or widower, it might be difficult to accept loving somebody else. what do you think? People say you will know but I seem to be in a quagmire. Whats best for you and your baby should be your focus. My husband passed 6 1/2 years ago, my boyfriends wife passed almost 2 years ago. The problem is that I have made myself so available and yet he is not prepared to let any of his family know about me. Fred Colby, 72, author ofWidower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship,says that a woman who encourages a widower to share his story fully and that includes insight on his relationship with his spouse will be much more apt to have a successful future with him. I am not saying I am right, but I hope the readers will not take your advice at face value. Everything was great, until he went back home a couple of week ago. Rings jewelry cards letters. So, they are often more desperate to tell it when they have a willing partner.". Will you be happy in a year or five or ten when nothing has changed? I would probably reply to myself in the similar way as you did. The doctors and the books and the counselling all say its not medical but psychogenic. He has had ALOT of firsts with me, and told me that he didnt know any better because he thought that the way his marriage played out over the years was the way married life was supposed to be.in the bedroom, and beyond, so he is somewhat niaeve about things. I dont deserve being on tis emotional roller-coaster and I want off, but every time he comes telling me it will get better. Initially, you tend the garden instinctually of that of a living love. Step away from the high school cafeteria table where you once giggled and obsessed about boys. He is so invovled with his business and his kids, he doesnt go out much. I dont think so. Your just someone he brought in to fill the lonely hours and chilly nights. Not knowing anything about your relationship, I cant really give you advice, and in my experience, Ive found that people already know what they want to do when they start googling. I am making the case for you taking control of your own destiny. They just get caught up and when reality intrudes, they go into damage control mode rather than stop, think and really get a feel on what they feel and want for themselves. And also, to say that having your husband/wife die is the same as getting a divorce or getting your heart trampled on is just insulting. I am shocked about what I am reading here. Like a teenager, Id catch myself smiling even laughing again; the unmistakable twinkle in my eyes back after so many years of fine. Your love made me feel alive again. We are still together, I havent met his children yet, that might be a long time still before that happens but now he says he loves me, that took about 1 1/2 before he even said those words to me. Just because hes a grieving widower gives no man a pass at being a good man. Make the meals, do the washing . Im sorry that things didnt work out the way you hoped. They prayed for you, you know. Answer (1 of 11): Every love is different. Right now, you are a secret and you dont like it. In any event I think her keen interest has dropped off now she sees he is not going to give it to her for taking over a pittance of a mortgage. This web page/blog however being more down to reality. They were 16, together for 10 years before being married for 15, several children (now nearly grown) and its been 13 years since she died and he has been with no one else not even to date as he was raising children.