Roll your eyes!?! Then ice cream after. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. Make it easier for him to be his best self. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. Ive been there. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? I camped. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. I honestly think both parents are at fault. While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. Others see him as a bully and a hole. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. Her husband could be one of those people. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. I hated, and still do, all of those things. Spyglassez Older and (hopefully) wiser He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. painted_lady And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? Act like one. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. Before the 12 year was born. Did my mother? 6napkinburger My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. When they are able to see the. Who knows? My comment obviously wasnt clear. Did we always get along? My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Because your daughter may eventually outgrow her fangirl phase, but if you do your job right, shell never outgrow being a strong, confident, interesting and interested person. Heck yeah. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. And not just to me and your husband. Addie Pray Maybe not, though. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. 1. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Lily in NYC I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Well-said, courtney. Awesome. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. I mean, maybe? Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. And so does dad. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? I was so annoyed! 2. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. lets_be_honest For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? He came home four hours later. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. lets_be_honest I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Manage Settings These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Grow up, already. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. A museum or something might be a good start. Interested in science? I know from personal experience. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. I would let him know that you are going to encourage her to hangout with him more, but he needs to also every once in a while do something she loves. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. You can see it in the fighting. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. I agree weddings can be stupid . Heck no! This is NO accident. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Usually sharks.). Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I was/am (?) When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? Settlers of Catan! I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy..